A friend to all is a friend to none
I remember when I was a child, I loved to spend my time on the playground during my lunchtime break at school. I recall the many times before leaving the classroom that my teacher would remind my classmates and I to include each other in our activities, whether that be on the swings, slide or monkey bars. I took this instruction very seriously, and it was simple to follow in my mind: make friends with everyone. While the sentiment is nice in theory, as I have grown older and gained more experience, I find it to be much more complex to put into practice.
Humans are not a monolith. We each have unique personalities that shape how we communicate and connect with others. For example, though I often find it exciting to approach strangers in a social setting, some of my friends become anxious at the thought. While people of differing personalities can become great friends, forming genuine relationships with every multitude of people is unlikely. Even so, the term “friend” is just a label. It is the connection you have with someone that gives the label its meaning. Building that connection takes compatibility, time and effort, and is something I do not believe you can accomplish with just anyone.
Promoting the idea of “being friends with everyone” often results in superficial connections, in place of genuine relationships. While casual friendships are purposeful and I highly value cordiality with others, I believe that this ideal encourages others to seek friendships even after it is apparent there is not a mutual connection. It also reinforces the belief in needing to be accepted by all people and promotes conforming to please others instead of being authentic to yourself. It is not realistic to expect every person you meet to like you, and rejection is not always a reflection of your character. Rather, it is the product of the compatibility, or lack thereof, of two people’s personalities. Forcing a friendship for the sake of just “being friends” with someone can even be harmful at times, because it often leads to disappointment. Instead of developing a better understanding of each other, coerced friendships often come to a standstill because of a lack of rapport. Instead, animosity can build, because often you may come to resent you and your “friend’s” differences in the absence of a growing relationship. Natural differences will also arise at some point, and without a secure foundation, shallow friendships are fragile in the face of conflict.
I often find that many people feel like they have an obligation to continue friendships that they do not want to be a part of. While I can understand some people fear hurting others’ feelings, I think maintaining an undesired friendship is more harmful. By stringing someone else along, you are actively preventing them from finding better fitting friends by allowing them to continue investing their time on a dead-end friendship, rather than exploring other options. I think being honest about your feelings saves not only your own patience, but allows others the opportunity to pursue a more meaningful friendship.
Friendship is a complicated subject and exceedingly hard to navigate. Even though it is a challenge to build relationships, I encourage you to seek long lasting connections because the depth of a friendship is what truly makes them meaningful and contributes to your life.
