Adalia reviews her own genius recipes

As Ventura County moves back into lockdown, so does any hope of fulfilling that truly American compulsion to indoor dine. The pulls of unending capitalistic productivity, alas, will not allow for the time it takes for those complicated home cooking recipes that shaped our first few months stuck inside; but, as the self-proclaimed gourmet chef of the Panther Prowler staff, I took it upon myself to curate a couple of undeniably incredible, creative, never-seen-before recipes to last my family and I through these dark and twisted days trapped in with one another.

My first recipe was carefully crafted after years slaving over the stove for that perfect blend of random Trader Joe’s shredded cheeses and technically perfect, if I do say so myself, browned roux, a sauce base of butter, flour and milk. Inspired by a need to make something completely new, something no one had ever heard of before, I dub this original, homemade and self-developed recipe… macaroni and cheese.

After six whole minutes of scouring my fridge, I gathered the necessary ingredients: my aforementioned various bags of shredded cheese, unboiled mac, flour, butter, salt (which I did almost forget) and milk. The directions are as follows: boil your mac, drain your mac, put it in your pot and then toss in some varying amounts of everything until you get what you want (I would give out measurements, but I didn’t measure, just as a true masterchef would). Put some breadcrumbs on, or not, and stick it in the oven until you feel it’s done in your soul. Make sure not to somehow burn it without browning said breadcrumbs, a very common occurrence that absolutely did not occur on my try and I must warn you of.

My next recommendation: instant ramen, specifically that really good kind that is truly terrible for you, but only takes three minutes in the microwave and three more minutes of scorching your tongue for that wonderful taste of those deliciously salty noodles. Although a well-known classic, many have failed to master the necessary procedures to craft the perfect instant ramen as I have.

My aforementioned procedure, public for the first time ever, as follows: first, peel back the top of your given styrofoam bowl, and carefully fold it back. Fill it to the indicated line, and then also a little bit more for soup creation purposes before sticking it in the microwave for three minutes exactly. Take it out with your oven mitts for extra safety, stir it and then eat immediately because those three minutes were already way too long to wait for your ramen.

There is one last important thing to note, however, which is that it is vital that you consider and perfect your technique before any attempts of any of these nearly-impossible recipes. Unless you are me, woman of unlimited talents and the greatest home-chef- no, professional chef, of all time, practice fully makes perfect. As the gazelle from Zootopia said it best, “Try everything.”

All jokes aside, if you couldn’t tell, I’m going just a little bit crazy still stuck at home. Perhaps I’m alone on this one, but worrying about continuing to drink water, eat well, sleep somewhat decently – just doing the basics has gotten more and more difficult alongside everything else. This article is satirical, but the general message isn’t. Remember to take care of yourself: whether it’s cooking something delicious if you have the time, or maybe, if you’re me and not as good a chef as you’ve hyped yourself up in 500 words to be, ordering in and supporting our local small businesses. Do what you need to do to stay home and keep everyone safe.

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