Advice for the nobodies in this world of scholarships

I am ineligible for virtually every scholarship I find online: I am white, I am not involved in student government, I have never been a resident of Nowheresville, Ohio, and I am not part of Ventura’s flyfishing club (yes, that’s a thing, and yes, they give out money for college). I’ve been told  (incorrectly) that there’s a scholarship for everyone. Scholarships have become so specialized that is impossible for us mortals to win any money for college.

So, for anyone out there as uninteresting as I am, I have compiled a list of tips for the process of applying for scholarships:

  1. Most of your time applying will be spent sifting through emails from the CCC, Google searches for “scholarships for lazy people”, and maybe the occasional newspaper. Once you jump this hurdle, the actual application will probably take five minutes.
  2. You will earn more money finding odd jobs. Babysitting, tutoring, or mowing lawns might seem like more work than sitting idly at your computer desk, but it’s also guaranteed cash. Apply for a job at McDonalds the next time you realize you are not a descendant of anyone important.
  3. There are many more fulfilling (or at least productive) ways to spend your Saturday afternoons. I bet scholarships are third on your list of daily tasks, after homework and college applications, so by the time you get around to them, you’re desperate for a hot shower. Take that shower. You need some you time before diving into the sea of scholarships.
  4. Hot chocolate helps with everything. It really does.
  5. Host a mini-dance party. Seriously. If you can’t think, it’s probably because there is no blood flow to your brain: you have been curled up in the fetal position for three hours.

In all seriousness, independent scholarships are not the make-all-break-all. There are many scholarship opportunities for undergraduates that are unique to specific colleges. Right now, there are infinitely more important things you could be doing than researching your family tree for a scholarship (George Washington, more likely than not, won’t be on there). Sleep, revel in your unremarkableness, and breathe: you will be okay.