The Gift of No
I have been attending math therapy for the past nine years, and I have learned more about rejection in those sessions than anywhere else. Math is something I have rejected my whole life, not because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to in order to survive it. Since third grade, I have constantly been drowning in a subject in which I do not recognize myself in, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot picture myself living and breathing under its command.
My math therapist, Nicole Dudley, became more than just someone who did homework with me and coached me through the anxiety I had when taking tests: she became my “rejection therapist.” Not because she taught me what rejection meant, but because she taught me that rejection is not a measure of merit, talent or character; it is a measure of our capacity to be vulnerable. Rejection tests our willingness to be vulnerable, to expose our thoughts, feelings and desires. The way we respond to rejection reflects our capacity to grow and change as individuals, which was a terrifying realization for me.
I think when you have failed at something to such a ridiculous degree, over and over again, you get good at ignoring the feelings that come with defeat. But that was not a healthy way to look at rejection, and it would not benefit me in the long run. A theory Nicole and I came up with to describe this feeling was what we called, “The Gift of No.” I reflected on my countless defeats in the subject I hated the most, and decided to instead look at all those “F’s” I got not as failures, but as gifts.
“The Gift of No” is the idea that if you can receive rejection like a gift, you are forever bound to its privilege of bravery, and the opportunity of vulnerability it gives us. Embracing bravery in our lives enables us to experience life’s full potential. When I consciously create space for personal growth and acceptance in the areas where I face challenges, the fear of failure diminishes.
“No” simply allows us to become stronger and more fluent in the things we love or need to improve on. It does not matter how many times you can practice opening yourself up to rejection. It does not get any easier facing it, but it will get easier reacting to it. I remember waking up the next morning after my last session with Nicole, and deciding to do something that scared me everyday. The more I moved out of my comfort zone, the better I got at looking “no” in the eye. Even in our lowest moments, rejection can be a catalyst for growth and guide us towards a brighter future. Rejection is scary. But never knowing what it is like to be vulnerable with your life is scarier.
Whether it is having a hard conversation with someone you love, working on a creative project or attempting a math problem, rejection finds its way throughout daily life. Unfortunately, it is something we need to learn to live with no matter how painful it can feel. So now, every time I fail a math test when I thought I did well, I remember the gift that “no” brings and that without putting myself out there, I would never know what it is like to succeed in a place of failure.
