How to build a commercial empire

I have a few things to say about how much I dislike capitalism. All “altruists” who have a name in society are capitalists; everyone is just trying to advance their own agenda.

Let’s take Jeff Bezos, for example. I just read this article in the LA Times about his ties to the Trump administration and the coal and oil industry. Everyone is just a damn tycoon and I’m irked. Actually, I’m just straight up not having a good time. The only good thing about Jeff Bezos is that his wife divorced him and they didn’t have a prenup. Anyways, here is a mildly cynical instruction manual for anyone interested in building a corporate empire.

Step 1: Found a company called Amazon (or something similar) that sells virtually anything, like that Giant Tube Worm keychain you saw that one time at that thing you went to. Make sure that the people selling through your company are reputable by checking that their username isn’t “Hellboy666” or something.

Step 2: Found an exclusive club within the company called Amazon Prime (or something similar) for special people who pay extra money each month to have some things shipped for free. Make sure to throw in some complimentary movies and shows too. It’s best if you have a couple big names like “The Post” to show that you are socially aware, and that you include at least one or two of those documentary series on, like, what really happened in World War I.

Step 3: Buy Whole foods.

Note: After completing step 3, you may be thinking “Why did I just do that”. Don’t worry, it’s all part of the plan. Trust us, this has worked 100 percent of the times it has been tried.

Step 4: Make all the products at Whole Foods have two separate prices, one for regular people and one for people who shop at whole foods and also have Amazon Prime (or something similar). This should mostly just confuse people but don’t worry about that, I know what I’m talking about.

Step 5: Once you realize that the people who shop at Whole Foods aren’t converting to Amazon Prime (or something similar) even though your 15 cent price reduction seemed like a really smart incentive for the upper-middle class people who can afford to shop at Whole Foods in the first place, don’t give up on trying to get them to convert. Just remember, Whole Foods shoppers are THE MOST IMPORTANT demographic to target. Trust me on this one.

Step 6: Design special parking spots closest to the entrance to the Whole Foods that are reserved for Amazon Prime (Or something similar) members only, but that are literally right next to the normal parking spots, which are always empty. Make sure the signs are chic but also eye catching, so that people are more drawn to them and want to convert to Amazon Prime(Or something similar). Don’t worry about the fact that there is literally always a parking spot at Whole Foods; that’s not really important in this scenario.

As a consumer, I would advise just shopping at Sprouts– it’s cheaper there and they still sell, like, almond milk and stuff.


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